Alone

Starting tomorrow, I will have a two and a half week vacation from my domestic life.  My man, will be gone for that length of time and I will be free of doing daily chores, that's needed to maintain a healthy lifestyle for us.  I can be lazy for this duration of time and not have to worry about his clothes being laundered or evening meals being ready when he gets home from work. YES!

Love Ain't Enough

This is a very true song..........

How Did I Get Here?

You find yourself in a mess, that was created by two people.  You and him!  The mess is causing you to figure out that he doesn't care anymore and your on the outside, looking in.  You are at the point that caring is more work than it worth.  So, why even try?  That's what you keep telling yourself, and there's so many answers you can find, if you want to stay where you are.  It's a bad thought, but sometimes, that's the only thing that looks feasible to you right then.  Getting out there and starting new, is very scary and hard to do.  Been there, done that.  Yes, I've been there, but I did it because there was no reason to stay.  The good was gone, my hurt was horrific and the kids were suffering because of our fighting.  Why, stay, why put the kids and myself through all the abuse?  Yes, there was plenty of it.  There was the down talking, the cussing, the knock downs, bruises, busted lips and many other assaults that were occurring weekly.  It's just that the time had come to get out before there was a fatality.  How, close did I get...........man, I don't even want to tell you.  There were many times, that I wondered if I would make it through that fight.  So, the person who had to be strong turned out to be me.  I had to devise a plan on the sly, to extricate me and the kids from the bad situation.  Still, there had to be some form of help on the other end of the exit.  Looking for help took longer than I planned and yet when the time came, it all fell into place.  How, thankful I was to be away from the situation and the person who was pursuing me.  Several times I would get caught out of the safe house by that person and had to run for dear life.  Sometimes, I didn't get away in time.  Still, I finally made the exit and got legal action going in my favor. 
Don't think for a minute that this was the end.  Nay, because I would get weak and go back.  For one reason or another I would go back to this person and hope they saw their wrongs in the situation.  It would be "honeymoon" for a few days and then the assaults would start all over again. 
How, many times did I go through this type of ordeal, you ask?  I don't know, but can admit that there were too many and I was the stupid person, who went back.  Believing and wanting to believe in what wasn't ever going to be, was part of my needy emotions. 
They say that the person who puts up with a person who is abusing them, is someone who is as sick as the one who is giving the abuse.  This statement is one that got my attention..........FINALLY!  

Shop Amazon - Up to 75% Off Select Watches

Ever Feel?

Have you ever felt alone even when  you are with someone?  It happens more often that we want to admit.  Being in a relationship that's going nowhere, is the most horrible thing a person can experience.  It's so sad to want to love and be loved.  Not finding this even though you have someone who is with you can be devastating.  You feel so alone, sad and abused.  Why do these things happen to someone who wants only the most wonderful thing in the world?  LOVE, is one of the most desired thing this world has ever wanted.  A real love, that spans the test of time, is very rare and few ever find it.  Holding on to something that is not working is only causing your own self misery.  Sometimes, it's very hard to let go of what you presently have, even when it's not good for you.  Been there ......done that!

Shop Amazon - Up to 75% Off Select Watches

Complete

And Yet

It seems that mo matter how hard you try to get a relationship to work properly, there will always be a fly in the pudding.  As of today, my man and I are in the seventh month of our relationship.  We have had our ups and downs, to say the least.  He has his ideas of how things should be and so do I.  This gives off turmoil at times and I'm sure the beer doesn't help either.  Somehow, we always manage to hold on to our union, which has helped us to realize we actually love each other.  Don't misunderstand, there have been times in we wanted to throw up our hands and give up.  If is wasn't for that love we both feel, I'm sure it would have already happened.  Those tender moments of love, are what seems to help us hold on to "us"!

Again

My life has changes again and this time, I find it good as well as bad.  This is my dilemma caused by the need I had to be with someone who could possibly love me or be a good friend.  A few months ago, I wrote about meeting someone who had caused me to have great feelings about him.  Today, he lives with me and I'm mostly thankful for the companionship.  We have our little spats, ups and downs and yet we know that we have a bond which holds us together.  We actually love each other with the type of love not many people in the world ever get the chance to experience.  Real bonding love gives more value to the relationship. 

Suddenly

From out of the blue a strength came to me and I know that God was behind it all.  I fell into this horrible depression about my relationship and there was no help in sight.  As I languished in my sadness and pain of loosing the one thing I so dearly desired, I found my heart reaching for help.  God, is the only one who can help when you get this far down.  I knew it, just was wanting to put my all into this relationship, and felt I was giving it all I had.  It looks as though I either gave too much too soon, or it still wasn't enough.  Either way the strength to get through today, is there and I am holding on to the one thing that can get me through.  God.  
As I work through the loneliness and uncertainties of the situation, I know that I can reach out to God, for help and strength to maintain each minute of the day.

Now What?

Well, I guess I've made the biggest fool of myself, that I could ever make?  I'm a blubbering fool when it comes to him.  I'm afraid I've lost him, and it's killing me.  Damn, it hurts o much to want to be with him and he's keeping me a t a distance.  How did I get here, when all I wanted was to hold him and be with him?  Damn, it's just not fair, I love him so much.......why me?

Just Enough

He keeps me hanging on to something or someone just enough to keep me falling to pieces.  I miss him so damn much and when I don't at least hear from him, then I start thinking all kinds of things.  It just hurts like hell, trying to have a relationship with someone who isn't around very much.  I know that I'm wanting it too fast and that he's very busy, but in the mean time, I'm here alone falling apart.  Damn it!

Text

Lying in bed this morning, sleeping in, I heard my phone alert for a text message.  I figured it was my oldest daughter, because she usually text my about that time every morning to say "hi".  I reached for my glasses, and the phone, put my glasses on and opened the phone to see the text.  It wasn't from her, it was from my baby.  He let me know he was thinking about me.  A calm peace swept over my whole body as I realized that he was thinking of me and wanted me to know.  Some of the fears I have been having in the last few days, melted away.  I hope when I hear from him later that I will find even more comfort in our conversation.

Now What?

What an emotional roller coaster, I've gotten myself into.  Today, is a sad day for me and I don't know how to handle the unknown.  Yesterday and evening, he kept calling saying he was coming out to spend the night.  Around 7:30pm he called to say that he would be another hour to hour and a half there at the shop, then he would be on his way.  I asked him if he still planned on coming out that late and he said yes.  So, I laid back down on the couch and watched TV.  Listening to every vehicle sound that neared my home for the possibility of it being him.  The 10pm local news came om and my excitement of seeing him was eating me alive, for I knw that any moment he would pull in my driveway.
At 10:30pm when the news was over, I went into the kitchen an put up the food I had cooked for him.  I then came back in to the living room and watched ET on TV.  By this time I was worried and wondering what or where he could be?  Still nothing.  So, I went sadly to bed, full of rejection, hurt and worry of the unknown.  
After what seemed a lifetime, I drifted off to sleep.  Around 1:40am, I woke to the noise of a passing loud car.  Realizing it was the middle of the night, and he still hadn't contacted me, I sent him a text on his cell phone.  NO answer.  Getting more hurt and pissed, I called his number, it went to voice mail.  Once again I called getting the same response.  So, I stopped and somehow went back to sleep.
This morning I sent him a text and then tried to call his phone again?  Still no answer!  This is killing me, not knowing what's going on.  I'm hurting like hell inside too............information of some sort would help.

Everytime

It seems as though just about the time I get into a relationship, it develops hardships.  Why does this alway happen?  I realize the circumstances of our relationship.  Yet, I sit here feeling 'letdown" and sad about the way things are going.  It's as if, I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back.  It's just not fair, especially when I only want this to really work for both of us.  Matters of the heart sure can hurt.  I know, cause it's happening right now.

In A Hurry

I seem to be so full of emotions and not enough restraint.  Why have I allowed this person to fill my world with this new explosion I feel?  It's as if I've lost my mind, along with everything that I am.  I can't think straight and it's eating me alive.  I just want to be with him and show him all the affection I can.  I realize that I'm gushing and that is a bad thing.  I hope this doesn't run him away.

Oh No

Well, the one thing I feared has happened.  He didn't answer my Text yesterday or call me last night.  Didn't even text me good night like he usually does.  Either he's lost his phone or something else has happened.  Then he could have gotten cold feet, too.  Either way, I'm going crazy from not knowing what's going on.  I am so scared that he decided to drop our relationship and not try.  Who knows maybe his ex-girlfriend came back and they got back together.  Either way, I wish he would just let me know ......this shit is killing me.

Stupid Me

The hours go by so slowly, as I constantly think about you.......where you are......what your doing....wishing I could be with you.  Hoping someday I will be in your arms every night, holding you tight.  This new relationship is scaring me to death.  Fear grips me as I try and look toward a future ..........it takes over my very being, just wondering what will become of the "new us"?  I find myself praying for God's help to have you with me from now on.  It tears me apart to think a time will come when you will turn away from me.  I know nothing is promised in life.  Love however strong and lovely, can wain and fade.  Until I know for sure how you feel, I will be ever fearful of loosing what we have started.

Waiting

I spent the better part of yesterday, in eager anticipation of the phone call when he got off work.  My fear was that he would be so tired the he would go home, fall down and go to sleep.  Construction work is very taxing on a body.  He's not as young as some of the worker's so, it's even harder for his body to keep of the pace.  
His text or call is a precious time for me, and I relish is word that we speak to each other.  Soon I hope to be able to change the miles between us and make our life fulfilling together.  It's very hard to wait for our future to evolve.  The beginning has been so wonderful.  I in hog heaven, thank you God.

Getting Easier

Each day that passes gets a better grip on reality for me.  I've gone off the deep end with this one and so far the "pros" out weigh the "cons".  I'm in unfamiliar territory and it's scaring the hell out of me.  I feel so lucky and am afraid to tell very many people for fear of loosing it as fast as I got it.  It seems when I go around being happy about a relationship, all too soon my world comes crashing down around me.  This time has been so different and it's killing me to wait on it to build into something sound and firm.  Efforts are daily with communications and I can hardly wait to hear his voice on the phone.  He is wrapping my heart up into this great package and making it feel so warm and cared for.  Loosing him now would tear me apart.  I'm a person who falls in love too fast, and the feelings are growing with each passing minute and hour.  I'm ready to take our relationship further, but also realize that being sure is very important.  How do I wait without being a nutcase?  
Yesterday, I found myself sitting around all day hurting because I couldn't have it all as yet.  Man, I'm loosing it fast, and I see no hope for me.  This wonderful sweet guy has turned my world upside down.  Some one tell me how to hold myself down, while he gets closer?  I'm so ready to be with him each night, have a hot meal, waiting for the hard working man, who comes home tired at the end of the day.  Oh how, wonderful it will be if we can ever get to that point.  Please God, don't take this one away from me, unless you can see something in the future that wouldn't be right.

Didn't Give Up

It's been a week and a day since I met a man.  I don't know how to react to all the things that have materialized in the last few days.  When I'm unsure of myself, I talk continually and that's horrible.  At this point I wonder if I've turned him off with all my crap?  
I'm scared to death that I will fall in love with this sweet man.  I'm scared even more that he will decide he's not interested in who I maintain to be.  Hope springs from every beat of my heart.  Hell, I didn't think I had one left. Today, the questions are rushing through my head as I sit here writing. 
I suppose I will have to wait on his next move to see where I am with him?  My heart hurts to think I could try to believe in someone once again only to come up short of what I hoped would happen.  This getting to know someone the first few times, are pure "hell".

Oh Man

Feb. 10th, 2013 will be a day in my life to remember.  The week that followed was Valentine's week.  This added intrigue, excitement and emotional adventure.  Communication on a daily basis because something I looked forward to with eager anticipation.  
You see, I met this sweet man who has put my world into a tailspin.  One which I'm afraid I may never recover from.  Each day has been emotional, with the things that have been happening and being said.  It's scary and exciting.  For those who know me, they know I don't run from unsure things.  I investigate them, eagerly with excitement.  
The possibilities of this becoming a long term thing is mounting.  My heart flutters to think of what could evolve in the weeks and months to come.  I want so much for the waiting to be over.  Yet, I know that this is the learning part of any relationship.  Please God, don't let me mess this up!