The Difference

Loneliness is a lack, a feeling that something is missing, a pain, a depression, a need, an incompleteness, an absence.

Aloneness is presence, fullness, aliveness, joy of being, overflowing love. You are complete. Nobody is needed, you are enough.

The above phrases are borrowed from another website.

Definition of Alone

It's being without friends. reclusiveness. a disposition to prefer seclusion or isolation.
Alone is colorless unless reinforced by all; it then suggests solitariness or desolation: alone in the house; all alone on an island. Lone is somewhat poetic or is intended. Lonely implies a sad or disquieting feeling of isolation. Lonesome connotes emotion, a longing for companionship.

How Did I Get Here?

You find yourself in a mess, that was created by two people.  You and him!  The mess is causing you to figure out that he doesn't care anymore and your on the outside, looking in.  You are at the point that caring is more work than it worth.  So, why even try?  That's what you keep telling yourself, and there's so many answers you can find, if you want to stay where you are.  It's a bad thought, but sometimes, that's the only thing that looks feasible to you right then.  Getting out there and starting new, is very scary and hard to do.  Been there, done that.  Yes, I've been there, but I did it because there was no reason to stay.  The good was gone, my hurt was horrific and the kids were suffering because of our fighting.  Why, stay, why put the kids and myself through all the abuse?  Yes, there was plenty of it.  There was the down talking, the cussing, the knock downs, bruises, busted lips and many other assaults that were occurring weekly.  It's just that the time had come to get out before there was a fatality.  How, close did I get...........man, I don't even want to tell you.  There were many times, that I wondered if I would make it through that fight.  So, the person who had to be strong turned out to be me.  I had to devise a plan on the sly, to extricate me and the kids from the bad situation.  Still, there had to be some form of help on the other end of the exit.  Looking for help took longer than I planned and yet when the time came, it all fell into place.  How, thankful I was to be away from the situation and the person who was pursuing me.  Several times I would get caught out of the safe house by that person and had to run for dear life.  Sometimes, I didn't get away in time.  Still, I finally made the exit and got legal action going in my favor. 
Don't think for a minute that this was the end.  Nay, because I would get weak and go back.  For one reason or another I would go back to this person and hope they saw their wrongs in the situation.  It would be "honeymoon" for a few days and then the assaults would start all over again. 
How, many times did I go through this type of ordeal, you ask?  I don't know, but can admit that there were too many and I was the stupid person, who went back.  Believing and wanting to believe in what wasn't ever going to be, was part of my needy emotions. 
They say that the person who puts up with a person who is abusing them, is someone who is as sick as the one who is giving the abuse.  This statement is one that got my attention..........FINALLY!  

Shop Amazon - Up to 75% Off Select Watches

Merry Christmas to All

Merry Christmas to you and yours this season........remember the reason !

Again

My life has changes again and this time, I find it good as well as bad.  This is my dilemma caused by the need I had to be with someone who could possibly love me or be a good friend.  A few months ago, I wrote about meeting someone who had caused me to have great feelings about him.  Today, he lives with me and I'm mostly thankful for the companionship.  We have our little spats, ups and downs and yet we know that we have a bond which holds us together.  We actually love each other with the type of love not many people in the world ever get the chance to experience.  Real bonding love gives more value to the relationship. 

Posting

I have been lazy along with many things happening in my life.  Lately it's been one thing after another, that has happened.  On Easter Sunday night, my mom died, and we've been going through other things involved around this time as well.
While being alone all those times, I found someone who made my life worth the efforts to get up each morning with a smile on my face.  My spirits were lifted just being around him and getting to know his personality.  Complex as it is, yet I've managed to hold on to the feelings I have for this man.  How much longer I will be able to accept this wild crazy person I don't know. 
Another situations cropped up during the last few days.  A man from my past, who knew me as a young person, found me through my mom's death.  He wanted to automatically start dating.  The subject of sex came forward so fast that I was thrown off.  I tole him I had a boyfriend, that came out to visit on weekends, but somehow this got lost in his tirade of flirts.  I've been ignoring his phone calls since that day.  He is pushing the situation and as of today, I sent him a voice mail, that will get the message across, his crazy mind.  It's best he listens to it and understands what I had to say.............Not interested, leave me alone, and don't call my phone anymore.

Now What?

What an emotional roller coaster, I've gotten myself into.  Today, is a sad day for me and I don't know how to handle the unknown.  Yesterday and evening, he kept calling saying he was coming out to spend the night.  Around 7:30pm he called to say that he would be another hour to hour and a half there at the shop, then he would be on his way.  I asked him if he still planned on coming out that late and he said yes.  So, I laid back down on the couch and watched TV.  Listening to every vehicle sound that neared my home for the possibility of it being him.  The 10pm local news came om and my excitement of seeing him was eating me alive, for I knw that any moment he would pull in my driveway.
At 10:30pm when the news was over, I went into the kitchen an put up the food I had cooked for him.  I then came back in to the living room and watched ET on TV.  By this time I was worried and wondering what or where he could be?  Still nothing.  So, I went sadly to bed, full of rejection, hurt and worry of the unknown.  
After what seemed a lifetime, I drifted off to sleep.  Around 1:40am, I woke to the noise of a passing loud car.  Realizing it was the middle of the night, and he still hadn't contacted me, I sent him a text on his cell phone.  NO answer.  Getting more hurt and pissed, I called his number, it went to voice mail.  Once again I called getting the same response.  So, I stopped and somehow went back to sleep.
This morning I sent him a text and then tried to call his phone again?  Still no answer!  This is killing me, not knowing what's going on.  I'm hurting like hell inside too............information of some sort would help.

Yes I Did...

I spent Christmas at home alone, mostly because of the weather.  Other things were involved in some of the plans, but that's okay, because I was dreading part of the efforts. 
The weather took a turn for bad, with snow and freezing temps, so being home safe and warm is a good thing.  I can handle it, and the cat meows at me occasionally, which kills the silence.  When the power goes out it's quiet but mostly I'm on the internet when it's on.  So that kills the silence as well.  Good food helps and give me comfort which will show up around my middle and backside before long.  Still, I'm safe and warm and that is something to be thankful for.

Again

Well, it's Saturday night and here I sit at home alone, once again.  I got out of the house for awhile today, but since my eyes aren't doing too well with driving at night I made sure to get back home before dark.  It's an old person's thing..........and yes I'm getting older.  Pisses me off, but there's nothing I can do about it.  Being alone has come after many years of trying to have relationships and having them fall apart.  Today, it's better to be alone, than with someone who abuses me, emotionally, mentally and physically.  I can do without that and it's very hard to know who will be one way or the other.  It's sad that I've come to this, when all I ever wanted was a lasting love.  Guess the jokes on me?

Still At It

Once again I have to apologize for not writing as often as I should.  I've been in a drought of a sort.  It seems I loose interest in writing if there's not any money involved.  That stems from being a paid blogger, and now it's hard to get my moving.  Anyway, I've been staying home mostly, which means that I'm alone most of the time.
Today, I went out with my sister and her sister in law to lunch and shopping.  It was nice and I spent money I didn't need to, but what it's for if you can't enjoy it.  
Tomorrow, I go to a clinic to have my eyes checked for cataracts, and later on schedule surgery for removal.  It's scary thinking about someone messing with my eyes.  I guess that I should be thankful it's on that type of procedure, since my sister has had to have dire surgery on one of her eyes.  It's been a battle for her just to remain sane.  I only hope that everything goes well with the pre-evaluation of my eyes.

Events

I can't seem to get my children to figure out what's wrong with how they handle their life????  I have let my youngest daughter wait for an answer from me to the text she sent me this morning.  I feel bad that she's stuck out, but it's the same old story every time, and I'm tired of it.  It's not just me who's tired of it either.  She has burned so damn many bridges and wonders why no one wants to help her anymore?  OIf it weren't for the fact that she has a limited brain when it comes to understanding or thinking things out before she does it, I wouldn't worry about her so much.  She just doesn't have the brains to think ahead or weight a situation before she gets into things.  I wonder what she will do, once I'm no longer here?  I hope by that time she will have developed knowledge that will get her by.

My Child

I got a call from one of my sons this morning.  It was nice to hear from him.  I haven't been able to talk to him in the last year or so, because of his situation.  Now that he has a cell phone, he will be able to keep in touch much better than before. 

Stuck

I was supposed to get out and go different places with my sister this morning, but at the last hour before she signed off last night, she decided not to do it.  Instead we will get moving around on Monday.  So, it's two days more to sit around this house and look at the four walls and my kitty.  She keeps me going with her crap, so I suppose I can handle 2 more days here.  I can get more cleaning done and the laundry needs to be finished.

America, Never Forget

Still

Here it is "Labor Day" and here I sit at the computer looking for something to do.  I once again am home alone, with only my thoughts and cat to entertain me.  She's in the front room sleeping after filling her stomach twice.  I've had my morning coffee, a few tidbits of food to sustain me and now am looking to wait out the rest of the day.  I put out some frozen meat to cook later this evening, and will marinate it in awhile, after it thaws.  The heat outside is starting to build, with the summer here in Texas once again giving us triple digit temperatures.  So, with the predictions being 101* degrees today, I will do my best to stay hydrated and cool.  That's my plans for the holiday, not much else to hope for being alone here in this house.  To all of you who have a life............please have fun and be safe while you enjoy today.

At Christmas

Looks as though I will be alone this year on Christmas Day..at least part of it anyway.........this is par for the course, since I have isolated myself from most people who are users.  Users tend to ask your for this and that without ever caring whether or not they are over extending you kindness or services.  I have five children who have lives of their own and are spending Christmas with their friends and families.  I just don't happen to be included in their festivities.  My Mom, is in the hospital and that has changed plans, with my sister to the point of not having anything, so to speak.  She's placing all her efforts around Mom, and my step dad since they are so old, it may be their last Christmas.  This I understand, but loosing the rest of the holiday just doesn't fit the scenario.  So, since I had planned to spend Christmas with her, I'm left to a limited amount of the day to enjoy.  I suppose, that this is what I should have expected, since I no longer have a spouse in my life and can't rely on others for my happiness.  I can't give the extra efforts, when I don't feel them, and I don't consider making myself go out of my way, something that makes me happy.  I can be alone and not have to put up with what others expect of me, even if it pisses them off at me.  They are doing what they want ........anyway.  Why shouldn't I?