Alone

Starting tomorrow, I will have a two and a half week vacation from my domestic life.  My man, will be gone for that length of time and I will be free of doing daily chores, that's needed to maintain a healthy lifestyle for us.  I can be lazy for this duration of time and not have to worry about his clothes being laundered or evening meals being ready when he gets home from work. YES!

How Did I Get Here?

You find yourself in a mess, that was created by two people.  You and him!  The mess is causing you to figure out that he doesn't care anymore and your on the outside, looking in.  You are at the point that caring is more work than it worth.  So, why even try?  That's what you keep telling yourself, and there's so many answers you can find, if you want to stay where you are.  It's a bad thought, but sometimes, that's the only thing that looks feasible to you right then.  Getting out there and starting new, is very scary and hard to do.  Been there, done that.  Yes, I've been there, but I did it because there was no reason to stay.  The good was gone, my hurt was horrific and the kids were suffering because of our fighting.  Why, stay, why put the kids and myself through all the abuse?  Yes, there was plenty of it.  There was the down talking, the cussing, the knock downs, bruises, busted lips and many other assaults that were occurring weekly.  It's just that the time had come to get out before there was a fatality.  How, close did I get...........man, I don't even want to tell you.  There were many times, that I wondered if I would make it through that fight.  So, the person who had to be strong turned out to be me.  I had to devise a plan on the sly, to extricate me and the kids from the bad situation.  Still, there had to be some form of help on the other end of the exit.  Looking for help took longer than I planned and yet when the time came, it all fell into place.  How, thankful I was to be away from the situation and the person who was pursuing me.  Several times I would get caught out of the safe house by that person and had to run for dear life.  Sometimes, I didn't get away in time.  Still, I finally made the exit and got legal action going in my favor. 
Don't think for a minute that this was the end.  Nay, because I would get weak and go back.  For one reason or another I would go back to this person and hope they saw their wrongs in the situation.  It would be "honeymoon" for a few days and then the assaults would start all over again. 
How, many times did I go through this type of ordeal, you ask?  I don't know, but can admit that there were too many and I was the stupid person, who went back.  Believing and wanting to believe in what wasn't ever going to be, was part of my needy emotions. 
They say that the person who puts up with a person who is abusing them, is someone who is as sick as the one who is giving the abuse.  This statement is one that got my attention..........FINALLY!  

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Lazy Days

It's been a surreal time in the last few days.  I've felt many different emotions and that's not uncommon for me.  I've seen the old year come and go, and the new year begin.  Things have happened both good and bad, during these times.  Losses have occurred, and gains have begun.  I see the future as fruitful as well as scary.  It's a time we all regroup and get ready for the coming details that always come into focus each year.  Each of us will try our best to maintain during the coming months as we always do.  So, I offer you my sincere hope for  your year ahead to be a great one.
Nita

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Merry Christmas to All

Merry Christmas to you and yours this season........remember the reason !

Again

My life has changes again and this time, I find it good as well as bad.  This is my dilemma caused by the need I had to be with someone who could possibly love me or be a good friend.  A few months ago, I wrote about meeting someone who had caused me to have great feelings about him.  Today, he lives with me and I'm mostly thankful for the companionship.  We have our little spats, ups and downs and yet we know that we have a bond which holds us together.  We actually love each other with the type of love not many people in the world ever get the chance to experience.  Real bonding love gives more value to the relationship. 

Posting

I have been lazy along with many things happening in my life.  Lately it's been one thing after another, that has happened.  On Easter Sunday night, my mom died, and we've been going through other things involved around this time as well.
While being alone all those times, I found someone who made my life worth the efforts to get up each morning with a smile on my face.  My spirits were lifted just being around him and getting to know his personality.  Complex as it is, yet I've managed to hold on to the feelings I have for this man.  How much longer I will be able to accept this wild crazy person I don't know. 
Another situations cropped up during the last few days.  A man from my past, who knew me as a young person, found me through my mom's death.  He wanted to automatically start dating.  The subject of sex came forward so fast that I was thrown off.  I tole him I had a boyfriend, that came out to visit on weekends, but somehow this got lost in his tirade of flirts.  I've been ignoring his phone calls since that day.  He is pushing the situation and as of today, I sent him a voice mail, that will get the message across, his crazy mind.  It's best he listens to it and understands what I had to say.............Not interested, leave me alone, and don't call my phone anymore.

Yes I Did...

I spent Christmas at home alone, mostly because of the weather.  Other things were involved in some of the plans, but that's okay, because I was dreading part of the efforts. 
The weather took a turn for bad, with snow and freezing temps, so being home safe and warm is a good thing.  I can handle it, and the cat meows at me occasionally, which kills the silence.  When the power goes out it's quiet but mostly I'm on the internet when it's on.  So that kills the silence as well.  Good food helps and give me comfort which will show up around my middle and backside before long.  Still, I'm safe and warm and that is something to be thankful for.

Damn It

We just re-elected Obama for a second term.  I can say that I am one of the large population who isn't happy about it.  It just adds to more problems in the future for all of us.  It's my hope that he will control his idiocy with how he handles our government.  I don't believe a word he has said, and many of the proofs we have found show him not to be truthful as a person.  I will not get further into that subject because I would only get even more mad.  Poor America, is all I can manage.

Phone Call

Last night I got a call from a guy who has been known to me for several years.  He is a "wanna be" and thinks that he can call me and talk anyway he wants to.  He only calls when he's drinking and that's nothing new.  I seem to the be woman they remember when they get drunk.  Now how the hell is that?  I guess I'm considered the fall back on type.  Either way I stood my ground when the crap talking came off.  Then I let him know that I was hanging up on him, because I could.  They don't like that very much.

Today

Here I sit once again, like everyday recently.  I'm always alone, and needing to be around people.  At the same time I am okay with being alone, because it keeps me out of trouble or unwanted trauma.  I have a situation that is keeping me here for a few more days, and that's okay as well.  It's my fault for getting into this situation and so I will serve my time.  When you trust more that yourself, this is what can happen.  Loyalty is not in the younger generation's vocabulary.  They are strictly out for themselves and to hell with everyone else.  Even family members.  If you believe in family loyalty these days, you are in for a rude awakening.  So, that's a part of why I am here.  Stupidity on my part.  It's a lesson well learned, that I will try not to allow to happen again.

America, Never Forget

Last Few Days

It's been a boring few days, with the recent loss of privileges placed upon me.  I must endure for the next two months a life of  being alone, except for a few visits from my sister to go grocery shopping and out to lunch. The rest of the time, I'm stuck here at home with my trusty computer, cat and the daily existence.  Life has a way of getting away from you when you least expect it.  Often it is minimal with it's taunts, but at other times, it can get down right nasty.  I suppose I can fall back on my son's comment when he heard my demise.  "It could have been worse".  You know he's absolutely correct and so I will count my blessings, down my shoulder and plow through this ordeal.

It's Hot

The weather here is getting so hot and with it comes the dragging feeling of tiredness and laziness.  The humidity when we actually have rain, really works a number on me.  I'm sure that if I got a chance to score with a lucky guy, I wouldn't feel like doing much.  When I consider even the thought, I realize that the mosquito bites would start itching and drive me insane wanting to scratch.  Making love is surly out of out of the picture at the present.  Guess I'll have to let that subject slide for awhile.....

At Christmas

Looks as though I will be alone this year on Christmas Day..at least part of it anyway.........this is par for the course, since I have isolated myself from most people who are users.  Users tend to ask your for this and that without ever caring whether or not they are over extending you kindness or services.  I have five children who have lives of their own and are spending Christmas with their friends and families.  I just don't happen to be included in their festivities.  My Mom, is in the hospital and that has changed plans, with my sister to the point of not having anything, so to speak.  She's placing all her efforts around Mom, and my step dad since they are so old, it may be their last Christmas.  This I understand, but loosing the rest of the holiday just doesn't fit the scenario.  So, since I had planned to spend Christmas with her, I'm left to a limited amount of the day to enjoy.  I suppose, that this is what I should have expected, since I no longer have a spouse in my life and can't rely on others for my happiness.  I can't give the extra efforts, when I don't feel them, and I don't consider making myself go out of my way, something that makes me happy.  I can be alone and not have to put up with what others expect of me, even if it pisses them off at me.  They are doing what they want ........anyway.  Why shouldn't I?