Alone

I have found that the reports I've read about people who pull away from people and are alone. to be correct.  More and more I come to grips with the fact that I don't want to be out around certain people.  These people irk me and I don't like to be near them.  I have the right to choose who I interact with and who I don't.  The fact that I stay at home to be out of harm's way, is a must for me.  When I go out to do errands or other things, it seems that I'm finding people who could care less whether I'm there or not.  So, I find myself resorting to be obnoxious.  It gets attention.........not the good kind, but they know I'm alive.  Oh well, at least I've done that.

Yes I Did...

I spent Christmas at home alone, mostly because of the weather.  Other things were involved in some of the plans, but that's okay, because I was dreading part of the efforts. 
The weather took a turn for bad, with snow and freezing temps, so being home safe and warm is a good thing.  I can handle it, and the cat meows at me occasionally, which kills the silence.  When the power goes out it's quiet but mostly I'm on the internet when it's on.  So that kills the silence as well.  Good food helps and give me comfort which will show up around my middle and backside before long.  Still, I'm safe and warm and that is something to be thankful for.

Again

Well, it's Saturday night and here I sit at home alone, once again.  I got out of the house for awhile today, but since my eyes aren't doing too well with driving at night I made sure to get back home before dark.  It's an old person's thing..........and yes I'm getting older.  Pisses me off, but there's nothing I can do about it.  Being alone has come after many years of trying to have relationships and having them fall apart.  Today, it's better to be alone, than with someone who abuses me, emotionally, mentally and physically.  I can do without that and it's very hard to know who will be one way or the other.  It's sad that I've come to this, when all I ever wanted was a lasting love.  Guess the jokes on me?

Damn It

We just re-elected Obama for a second term.  I can say that I am one of the large population who isn't happy about it.  It just adds to more problems in the future for all of us.  It's my hope that he will control his idiocy with how he handles our government.  I don't believe a word he has said, and many of the proofs we have found show him not to be truthful as a person.  I will not get further into that subject because I would only get even more mad.  Poor America, is all I can manage.

Still At It

Once again I have to apologize for not writing as often as I should.  I've been in a drought of a sort.  It seems I loose interest in writing if there's not any money involved.  That stems from being a paid blogger, and now it's hard to get my moving.  Anyway, I've been staying home mostly, which means that I'm alone most of the time.
Today, I went out with my sister and her sister in law to lunch and shopping.  It was nice and I spent money I didn't need to, but what it's for if you can't enjoy it.  
Tomorrow, I go to a clinic to have my eyes checked for cataracts, and later on schedule surgery for removal.  It's scary thinking about someone messing with my eyes.  I guess that I should be thankful it's on that type of procedure, since my sister has had to have dire surgery on one of her eyes.  It's been a battle for her just to remain sane.  I only hope that everything goes well with the pre-evaluation of my eyes.

Phone Call

Last night I got a call from a guy who has been known to me for several years.  He is a "wanna be" and thinks that he can call me and talk anyway he wants to.  He only calls when he's drinking and that's nothing new.  I seem to the be woman they remember when they get drunk.  Now how the hell is that?  I guess I'm considered the fall back on type.  Either way I stood my ground when the crap talking came off.  Then I let him know that I was hanging up on him, because I could.  They don't like that very much.

Wanna Be

There's this guy who is 14 years older than me.  He would give his eye teeth to get between my legs.  Now, what I wonder is how a doctor can honestly give a prescription to a man his age for "viagra"?  I have this horrible picture of him checking out of this world in the midst of a private moment with me.  Can you imagine the things that some people who know us would say to that?  Oh man that would just make their day.  They wouldn't even consider the emotional trauma that I would experience if that did happen.  So, rather than have the opportunity to get in that dilemma I will politely decline his advances. 

Events

I can't seem to get my children to figure out what's wrong with how they handle their life????  I have let my youngest daughter wait for an answer from me to the text she sent me this morning.  I feel bad that she's stuck out, but it's the same old story every time, and I'm tired of it.  It's not just me who's tired of it either.  She has burned so damn many bridges and wonders why no one wants to help her anymore?  OIf it weren't for the fact that she has a limited brain when it comes to understanding or thinking things out before she does it, I wouldn't worry about her so much.  She just doesn't have the brains to think ahead or weight a situation before she gets into things.  I wonder what she will do, once I'm no longer here?  I hope by that time she will have developed knowledge that will get her by.

My Child

I got a call from one of my sons this morning.  It was nice to hear from him.  I haven't been able to talk to him in the last year or so, because of his situation.  Now that he has a cell phone, he will be able to keep in touch much better than before. 

Stuck

I was supposed to get out and go different places with my sister this morning, but at the last hour before she signed off last night, she decided not to do it.  Instead we will get moving around on Monday.  So, it's two days more to sit around this house and look at the four walls and my kitty.  She keeps me going with her crap, so I suppose I can handle 2 more days here.  I can get more cleaning done and the laundry needs to be finished.

Today

Here I sit once again, like everyday recently.  I'm always alone, and needing to be around people.  At the same time I am okay with being alone, because it keeps me out of trouble or unwanted trauma.  I have a situation that is keeping me here for a few more days, and that's okay as well.  It's my fault for getting into this situation and so I will serve my time.  When you trust more that yourself, this is what can happen.  Loyalty is not in the younger generation's vocabulary.  They are strictly out for themselves and to hell with everyone else.  Even family members.  If you believe in family loyalty these days, you are in for a rude awakening.  So, that's a part of why I am here.  Stupidity on my part.  It's a lesson well learned, that I will try not to allow to happen again.

America, Never Forget

Still

Here it is "Labor Day" and here I sit at the computer looking for something to do.  I once again am home alone, with only my thoughts and cat to entertain me.  She's in the front room sleeping after filling her stomach twice.  I've had my morning coffee, a few tidbits of food to sustain me and now am looking to wait out the rest of the day.  I put out some frozen meat to cook later this evening, and will marinate it in awhile, after it thaws.  The heat outside is starting to build, with the summer here in Texas once again giving us triple digit temperatures.  So, with the predictions being 101* degrees today, I will do my best to stay hydrated and cool.  That's my plans for the holiday, not much else to hope for being alone here in this house.  To all of you who have a life............please have fun and be safe while you enjoy today.

Sex......

This Venus and Mars thing is developing quite a  dilemma lately.  Especially so in my world.  I have invested money in a dating website, just to browse the men who are possibly lonely as well.  Being pounced upon for sex is not what I had in mind.  Yet, you will find that most of these idiots on this site, are doing just that.  If I report the one's who are doing it, there won't be a good selection of men left to choose from.  I have decided that one month of membership is going to be enough experience for me.  If someone nice doesn't raise his head in the next two weeks, then it's goodbye time for this place.  I don't need the crap, that I just experienced from one guy.

Last Few Days

It's been a boring few days, with the recent loss of privileges placed upon me.  I must endure for the next two months a life of  being alone, except for a few visits from my sister to go grocery shopping and out to lunch. The rest of the time, I'm stuck here at home with my trusty computer, cat and the daily existence.  Life has a way of getting away from you when you least expect it.  Often it is minimal with it's taunts, but at other times, it can get down right nasty.  I suppose I can fall back on my son's comment when he heard my demise.  "It could have been worse".  You know he's absolutely correct and so I will count my blessings, down my shoulder and plow through this ordeal.

How Dumb

I went and read what he had to say..........I give up!  This person thinks that him telling me "not to give up that there's someone out there for me" is a good thing.  Actually, the way he's coming across is that he's trying to make contact, keep his foot in the door and let me know he's still interested.  Fuck him.

Another Day

Yesterday was a day of remorse.  I just can't seem to get it right no matter how I try.  These damn men, think I must be hard up for needing them.  This is so far from reality and they are esteeming themselves too high.  I don't need them........I would love to have someone.......but if it's going to be drama, trauma, abuse and crap then to hell with it.  I don't need being manipulated and talked to like I'm a child.  I well over the age of 21 and can take care of myself, thank you.
Damn, just when you think you've gotten rid of someone, they show up again.  Now, I got to go handle the situation that has arisen.  Will get back with you later about this one.

Again

You'd think I'd learn after all these years, about men.  Two topics are always on their minds...........sex, and food.  If he's not horny, then he's hungry.  Damn it, why in the hell don't they give me a chance.  Get to know me first before they want to jump in the sack with me?  Hell, I want to know what and who I'm laying down with.  He could be a serial rapists....a thief, a criminal on the loose...........I need to know that this person is above board, which is hard to connect with these days.  If I were young as I once was, then I might be stupid enough to jump in head first, without thinking.  Today, being mature gives me restraint when it comes to getting in the bed with a person, I just met.  It's only good sense to protect yourself, every way possible.  Damn these idiots that think I'm old and prudish. 

It's Hot

The weather here is getting so hot and with it comes the dragging feeling of tiredness and laziness.  The humidity when we actually have rain, really works a number on me.  I'm sure that if I got a chance to score with a lucky guy, I wouldn't feel like doing much.  When I consider even the thought, I realize that the mosquito bites would start itching and drive me insane wanting to scratch.  Making love is surly out of out of the picture at the present.  Guess I'll have to let that subject slide for awhile.....

Sorry

Yeah, it's been awhile since I posted on here, but it's only because I've had to put up with crap that was always in the way.  As a matter of fact, all of my blogs have suffered because of one thing or another that has developed in my life.  I've been lonely and always trying to stay away from thinking about it.  Yet, there are times, I should be on here writing what I feel.  I think I want a relationship and then I start thinking about the pitfalls that come with one.  It's not long before I've talked myself out of it and am glad to be without someone in my life.  Guess I've just gotten old and set in my ways.  Lonely can wait on solitude and peace.

News Today

There has been so much bad, sad and ugly things happening lately.  People are dying, weather is reeking havoc on the mid-western state's of the US, there are volcanoes erupting, earthquakes happening and who knows what else?  I am just glad to be alive and well with a roof over my head, clothes on my back and my stomach full.  There is so much suffering in this world and I feel blessed.  Being alone is bad, but I consider how things could be even worse, if the devastation had been in our area locale. Guess this post finds me, just "thankful" and that's ok.

Make Over

You know when it's time to do a body/health make over.  You know when you've gained too much weight.  It's then time to get the hunger pangs under control and start eating right.  I'm at that point and I know it's time to do something.  I can feel the crap starting to build up on me.  It's time to take control of all the wrong eating and drinking.  I know what that means and it's going to cut into my party time, but when you need to do something, then it's best to start as soon as possible.
Doing this is going to be even harder on finding things to keep busy.  I will need to get some other type of entertainment to do, that I can enjoy, without all the drinking and eating bad food.  Oh well, this is something that's got to be done.........so be it.

Hurt Myself

I did it again this week..........I went out and socialized with people who really don't give a damned about me, and some even cringe when I walk in.  I end up feeling emotionally abused by these idiots because of their ugly stares or nasty remarks.  It's part of the bar scene and I realize that you can't make people like you.  But damn it, it would be nice to socialize with them without all the crap involved.  There's always one in every crowd that's miserable and takes it out of the others.  I sure hope it's not me? 
So, I end up coming home, once again........ALONE.....knowing that I need to stop this shit, but also hoping that maybe I made a small contact with someone that was really needed.

Posting

In the last week I have been slack about my posting.  It's been a sad time for millions as we watch the life of Whitney Houston be snuffed out at such an early age.  It's trauma caused more than she could imagine.  People who loved her singing now must go on with only her memories.  I'm sure that her family can only fear the days ahead without her.  Friends must come to their aide when needed for emotional support.  Along with so many people I bid you "farewell" and may you rest in peace.

Poor Pitiful Me

I Want To Be Wanted.........

All Alone

Again

I stayed home again last night, when many were out on the town having fun and meeting someone.  It's one of those days when I felt I had been out one too many nights, only to come home alone, anyway.  Therefore I made my day count by going to different stores and buying things I wanted, whether I needed them or not.  I spent time browsing through different items, hoping to find something I really needed.  Nevertheless, it didn't happen, and once again after all my browsing, I came home with a bunch of bags, and settled in for the evening, alone.
Today, is the "Super Bowl" game, and I am debating whether to go to a club and enjoy the people, food and drinks?  I don't wish to stay out very long, because the danger of finding someone on the road, who can't handle his drinks and driving.  I will try to make it an early evening and finish the game at home. Alone!

No Matter

It seems that no matter how hard I try to get out there and be present for a certain encounter, it just never happens.  Should I meet someone, they are usually not the type of person I would want to have in my life.  Therefore, I become even lonelier as each day passes.  It's hard to accept this lonely life, and try as I may to meet someone, it's just not happening.  They say if you give up and stop looking then you will find it, when your not looking.  I wish I could wait on that to happen, but at my age it's hard to give up a day or to as a loss.

Change?

I remember how I was so ready for a change, and that my world had become stagnant and boring. I kept telling people, that something had to change, that I was in a rut. I definitely was in a rut!
Get up, get ready, go to work, get off work, drive to the local club, have a few brews, leave and get something on the way home to eat or wait till I got home and throw something together. Then watch enough TV to get sleepy and go to bed.........that was it. Nothing great or wonderful to enjoy or do!
Well, change does happen and it did........at first it was the most wonderful change I could have ever hoped for..........well, it was good while it lasted, but it didn't last long enough for me.........and the change once again reared it's ugly head......this time for the worse......and once again........I'm in a rut.........alone.......and bored........

Care?

The same questions keeps popping up into my mind.  Does anyone care that I'm here alone, and wanting to be with a partner?  Someone to love, someone to care..........Man, it's just not fair!  I hate this loneliness!  I need to find a reason to live.........!  A reason, to laugh.........do things........wake up in the morning!

Lonely?

People, who are on the outside looking in, don't see the real pain that lonely people deal with daily.  I sit around others who have someone in their lives.  It's amazing how, they can judge me, when they are living with someone who keeps them from being lonely?  I see people who can't even appreciate the relationship they have.  I don't have one, and that sucks!  Now, that I am older, it's even harder to find someone who wants to be with me.  I feel like a "left hand" on a right arm.  Going out to public places becomes just as much pain as staying at home alone.  Even then you are alone, because no one is interested in you or cares about the things you say.

Why?

I find myself, going out to places in hopes of running into someone who I can possibly have a relationship with.  Is this stupid, when I am really letting myself in for a letdown?  Hope is something I've always had, and yet it seems to be slowly ebbing away, with the insult of time.  I hate this needy loneliness.  It's such a horrible thing to have all this unused time on my hands. 

Depression

People, who think Depression is a choice, take a second to think. How would it feel to wake up and not having the emotional strength to face people? To think that time is just passing by with no real reason? To feel so alone even when you are sitting in a room full of people? To have to put on a face and hide your feelings because in your mind you think no one would care anyway? To lose friends be......cause you can’t find the strength to go out and you can’t physically be ‘happy’? To cry yourself to sleep, hoping you wouldn’t wake up then when you do you are exhausted from the night before, and it all starts again? You try to hide your feelings hoping no one would notice. Now tell me why someone would choose that? Depression is an illness, not a choice.

Still Alone

2011

As it came and went so did things around me, without a hitch.  It was an evening of staying home, alone and passing the time on the computer and watching the evening news.  After that I tried to watch the "Big D NYE", but became sleepy.  So, I went to bed and listened to the distance fireworks as I drifted off into a lonely sleep. 

As I look back on 2011, I realize that many things which happened didn't need to.  I also realize that things happen for a reason.  Still I can't accept some of them as being helpful, when actually they are very expensive.  Yes, some of the events got my attention, but they were the one's that were the most expensive. 

Now, comes another year to play, learn and hopefully enjoy what life has in store for me.  I hope that some of the loneliness I've experienced in the last few years, will be replaced with great joy, happiness and the big one "love"!

Wasted Time