Ever Feel?

Have you ever felt alone even when  you are with someone?  It happens more often that we want to admit.  Being in a relationship that's going nowhere, is the most horrible thing a person can experience.  It's so sad to want to love and be loved.  Not finding this even though you have someone who is with you can be devastating.  You feel so alone, sad and abused.  Why do these things happen to someone who wants only the most wonderful thing in the world?  LOVE, is one of the most desired thing this world has ever wanted.  A real love, that spans the test of time, is very rare and few ever find it.  Holding on to something that is not working is only causing your own self misery.  Sometimes, it's very hard to let go of what you presently have, even when it's not good for you.  Been there ......done that!

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Complete

And Yet

It seems that mo matter how hard you try to get a relationship to work properly, there will always be a fly in the pudding.  As of today, my man and I are in the seventh month of our relationship.  We have had our ups and downs, to say the least.  He has his ideas of how things should be and so do I.  This gives off turmoil at times and I'm sure the beer doesn't help either.  Somehow, we always manage to hold on to our union, which has helped us to realize we actually love each other.  Don't misunderstand, there have been times in we wanted to throw up our hands and give up.  If is wasn't for that love we both feel, I'm sure it would have already happened.  Those tender moments of love, are what seems to help us hold on to "us"!

Again

My life has changes again and this time, I find it good as well as bad.  This is my dilemma caused by the need I had to be with someone who could possibly love me or be a good friend.  A few months ago, I wrote about meeting someone who had caused me to have great feelings about him.  Today, he lives with me and I'm mostly thankful for the companionship.  We have our little spats, ups and downs and yet we know that we have a bond which holds us together.  We actually love each other with the type of love not many people in the world ever get the chance to experience.  Real bonding love gives more value to the relationship. 

Posting

I have been lazy along with many things happening in my life.  Lately it's been one thing after another, that has happened.  On Easter Sunday night, my mom died, and we've been going through other things involved around this time as well.
While being alone all those times, I found someone who made my life worth the efforts to get up each morning with a smile on my face.  My spirits were lifted just being around him and getting to know his personality.  Complex as it is, yet I've managed to hold on to the feelings I have for this man.  How much longer I will be able to accept this wild crazy person I don't know. 
Another situations cropped up during the last few days.  A man from my past, who knew me as a young person, found me through my mom's death.  He wanted to automatically start dating.  The subject of sex came forward so fast that I was thrown off.  I tole him I had a boyfriend, that came out to visit on weekends, but somehow this got lost in his tirade of flirts.  I've been ignoring his phone calls since that day.  He is pushing the situation and as of today, I sent him a voice mail, that will get the message across, his crazy mind.  It's best he listens to it and understands what I had to say.............Not interested, leave me alone, and don't call my phone anymore.

Suddenly

From out of the blue a strength came to me and I know that God was behind it all.  I fell into this horrible depression about my relationship and there was no help in sight.  As I languished in my sadness and pain of loosing the one thing I so dearly desired, I found my heart reaching for help.  God, is the only one who can help when you get this far down.  I knew it, just was wanting to put my all into this relationship, and felt I was giving it all I had.  It looks as though I either gave too much too soon, or it still wasn't enough.  Either way the strength to get through today, is there and I am holding on to the one thing that can get me through.  God.  
As I work through the loneliness and uncertainties of the situation, I know that I can reach out to God, for help and strength to maintain each minute of the day.

Now What?

Well, I guess I've made the biggest fool of myself, that I could ever make?  I'm a blubbering fool when it comes to him.  I'm afraid I've lost him, and it's killing me.  Damn, it hurts o much to want to be with him and he's keeping me a t a distance.  How did I get here, when all I wanted was to hold him and be with him?  Damn, it's just not fair, I love him so much.......why me?

Just Enough

He keeps me hanging on to something or someone just enough to keep me falling to pieces.  I miss him so damn much and when I don't at least hear from him, then I start thinking all kinds of things.  It just hurts like hell, trying to have a relationship with someone who isn't around very much.  I know that I'm wanting it too fast and that he's very busy, but in the mean time, I'm here alone falling apart.  Damn it!

Text

Lying in bed this morning, sleeping in, I heard my phone alert for a text message.  I figured it was my oldest daughter, because she usually text my about that time every morning to say "hi".  I reached for my glasses, and the phone, put my glasses on and opened the phone to see the text.  It wasn't from her, it was from my baby.  He let me know he was thinking about me.  A calm peace swept over my whole body as I realized that he was thinking of me and wanted me to know.  Some of the fears I have been having in the last few days, melted away.  I hope when I hear from him later that I will find even more comfort in our conversation.

Now What?

What an emotional roller coaster, I've gotten myself into.  Today, is a sad day for me and I don't know how to handle the unknown.  Yesterday and evening, he kept calling saying he was coming out to spend the night.  Around 7:30pm he called to say that he would be another hour to hour and a half there at the shop, then he would be on his way.  I asked him if he still planned on coming out that late and he said yes.  So, I laid back down on the couch and watched TV.  Listening to every vehicle sound that neared my home for the possibility of it being him.  The 10pm local news came om and my excitement of seeing him was eating me alive, for I knw that any moment he would pull in my driveway.
At 10:30pm when the news was over, I went into the kitchen an put up the food I had cooked for him.  I then came back in to the living room and watched ET on TV.  By this time I was worried and wondering what or where he could be?  Still nothing.  So, I went sadly to bed, full of rejection, hurt and worry of the unknown.  
After what seemed a lifetime, I drifted off to sleep.  Around 1:40am, I woke to the noise of a passing loud car.  Realizing it was the middle of the night, and he still hadn't contacted me, I sent him a text on his cell phone.  NO answer.  Getting more hurt and pissed, I called his number, it went to voice mail.  Once again I called getting the same response.  So, I stopped and somehow went back to sleep.
This morning I sent him a text and then tried to call his phone again?  Still no answer!  This is killing me, not knowing what's going on.  I'm hurting like hell inside too............information of some sort would help.

Everytime

It seems as though just about the time I get into a relationship, it develops hardships.  Why does this alway happen?  I realize the circumstances of our relationship.  Yet, I sit here feeling 'letdown" and sad about the way things are going.  It's as if, I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back.  It's just not fair, especially when I only want this to really work for both of us.  Matters of the heart sure can hurt.  I know, cause it's happening right now.