How Did I Get Here?

You find yourself in a mess, that was created by two people.  You and him!  The mess is causing you to figure out that he doesn't care anymore and your on the outside, looking in.  You are at the point that caring is more work than it worth.  So, why even try?  That's what you keep telling yourself, and there's so many answers you can find, if you want to stay where you are.  It's a bad thought, but sometimes, that's the only thing that looks feasible to you right then.  Getting out there and starting new, is very scary and hard to do.  Been there, done that.  Yes, I've been there, but I did it because there was no reason to stay.  The good was gone, my hurt was horrific and the kids were suffering because of our fighting.  Why, stay, why put the kids and myself through all the abuse?  Yes, there was plenty of it.  There was the down talking, the cussing, the knock downs, bruises, busted lips and many other assaults that were occurring weekly.  It's just that the time had come to get out before there was a fatality.  How, close did I get...........man, I don't even want to tell you.  There were many times, that I wondered if I would make it through that fight.  So, the person who had to be strong turned out to be me.  I had to devise a plan on the sly, to extricate me and the kids from the bad situation.  Still, there had to be some form of help on the other end of the exit.  Looking for help took longer than I planned and yet when the time came, it all fell into place.  How, thankful I was to be away from the situation and the person who was pursuing me.  Several times I would get caught out of the safe house by that person and had to run for dear life.  Sometimes, I didn't get away in time.  Still, I finally made the exit and got legal action going in my favor. 
Don't think for a minute that this was the end.  Nay, because I would get weak and go back.  For one reason or another I would go back to this person and hope they saw their wrongs in the situation.  It would be "honeymoon" for a few days and then the assaults would start all over again. 
How, many times did I go through this type of ordeal, you ask?  I don't know, but can admit that there were too many and I was the stupid person, who went back.  Believing and wanting to believe in what wasn't ever going to be, was part of my needy emotions. 
They say that the person who puts up with a person who is abusing them, is someone who is as sick as the one who is giving the abuse.  This statement is one that got my attention..........FINALLY!  

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Lazy Days

It's been a surreal time in the last few days.  I've felt many different emotions and that's not uncommon for me.  I've seen the old year come and go, and the new year begin.  Things have happened both good and bad, during these times.  Losses have occurred, and gains have begun.  I see the future as fruitful as well as scary.  It's a time we all regroup and get ready for the coming details that always come into focus each year.  Each of us will try our best to maintain during the coming months as we always do.  So, I offer you my sincere hope for  your year ahead to be a great one.
Nita

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Merry Christmas to All

Merry Christmas to you and yours this season........remember the reason !

Ever Feel?

Have you ever felt alone even when  you are with someone?  It happens more often that we want to admit.  Being in a relationship that's going nowhere, is the most horrible thing a person can experience.  It's so sad to want to love and be loved.  Not finding this even though you have someone who is with you can be devastating.  You feel so alone, sad and abused.  Why do these things happen to someone who wants only the most wonderful thing in the world?  LOVE, is one of the most desired thing this world has ever wanted.  A real love, that spans the test of time, is very rare and few ever find it.  Holding on to something that is not working is only causing your own self misery.  Sometimes, it's very hard to let go of what you presently have, even when it's not good for you.  Been there ......done that!

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Complete

And Yet

It seems that mo matter how hard you try to get a relationship to work properly, there will always be a fly in the pudding.  As of today, my man and I are in the seventh month of our relationship.  We have had our ups and downs, to say the least.  He has his ideas of how things should be and so do I.  This gives off turmoil at times and I'm sure the beer doesn't help either.  Somehow, we always manage to hold on to our union, which has helped us to realize we actually love each other.  Don't misunderstand, there have been times in we wanted to throw up our hands and give up.  If is wasn't for that love we both feel, I'm sure it would have already happened.  Those tender moments of love, are what seems to help us hold on to "us"!

Again

My life has changes again and this time, I find it good as well as bad.  This is my dilemma caused by the need I had to be with someone who could possibly love me or be a good friend.  A few months ago, I wrote about meeting someone who had caused me to have great feelings about him.  Today, he lives with me and I'm mostly thankful for the companionship.  We have our little spats, ups and downs and yet we know that we have a bond which holds us together.  We actually love each other with the type of love not many people in the world ever get the chance to experience.  Real bonding love gives more value to the relationship. 

Posting

I have been lazy along with many things happening in my life.  Lately it's been one thing after another, that has happened.  On Easter Sunday night, my mom died, and we've been going through other things involved around this time as well.
While being alone all those times, I found someone who made my life worth the efforts to get up each morning with a smile on my face.  My spirits were lifted just being around him and getting to know his personality.  Complex as it is, yet I've managed to hold on to the feelings I have for this man.  How much longer I will be able to accept this wild crazy person I don't know. 
Another situations cropped up during the last few days.  A man from my past, who knew me as a young person, found me through my mom's death.  He wanted to automatically start dating.  The subject of sex came forward so fast that I was thrown off.  I tole him I had a boyfriend, that came out to visit on weekends, but somehow this got lost in his tirade of flirts.  I've been ignoring his phone calls since that day.  He is pushing the situation and as of today, I sent him a voice mail, that will get the message across, his crazy mind.  It's best he listens to it and understands what I had to say.............Not interested, leave me alone, and don't call my phone anymore.

Suddenly

From out of the blue a strength came to me and I know that God was behind it all.  I fell into this horrible depression about my relationship and there was no help in sight.  As I languished in my sadness and pain of loosing the one thing I so dearly desired, I found my heart reaching for help.  God, is the only one who can help when you get this far down.  I knew it, just was wanting to put my all into this relationship, and felt I was giving it all I had.  It looks as though I either gave too much too soon, or it still wasn't enough.  Either way the strength to get through today, is there and I am holding on to the one thing that can get me through.  God.  
As I work through the loneliness and uncertainties of the situation, I know that I can reach out to God, for help and strength to maintain each minute of the day.

Now What?

Well, I guess I've made the biggest fool of myself, that I could ever make?  I'm a blubbering fool when it comes to him.  I'm afraid I've lost him, and it's killing me.  Damn, it hurts o much to want to be with him and he's keeping me a t a distance.  How did I get here, when all I wanted was to hold him and be with him?  Damn, it's just not fair, I love him so much.......why me?

Just Enough

He keeps me hanging on to something or someone just enough to keep me falling to pieces.  I miss him so damn much and when I don't at least hear from him, then I start thinking all kinds of things.  It just hurts like hell, trying to have a relationship with someone who isn't around very much.  I know that I'm wanting it too fast and that he's very busy, but in the mean time, I'm here alone falling apart.  Damn it!