Suddenly

From out of the blue a strength came to me and I know that God was behind it all.  I fell into this horrible depression about my relationship and there was no help in sight.  As I languished in my sadness and pain of loosing the one thing I so dearly desired, I found my heart reaching for help.  God, is the only one who can help when you get this far down.  I knew it, just was wanting to put my all into this relationship, and felt I was giving it all I had.  It looks as though I either gave too much too soon, or it still wasn't enough.  Either way the strength to get through today, is there and I am holding on to the one thing that can get me through.  God.  
As I work through the loneliness and uncertainties of the situation, I know that I can reach out to God, for help and strength to maintain each minute of the day.

Now What?

Well, I guess I've made the biggest fool of myself, that I could ever make?  I'm a blubbering fool when it comes to him.  I'm afraid I've lost him, and it's killing me.  Damn, it hurts o much to want to be with him and he's keeping me a t a distance.  How did I get here, when all I wanted was to hold him and be with him?  Damn, it's just not fair, I love him so much.......why me?

Just Enough

He keeps me hanging on to something or someone just enough to keep me falling to pieces.  I miss him so damn much and when I don't at least hear from him, then I start thinking all kinds of things.  It just hurts like hell, trying to have a relationship with someone who isn't around very much.  I know that I'm wanting it too fast and that he's very busy, but in the mean time, I'm here alone falling apart.  Damn it!

Text

Lying in bed this morning, sleeping in, I heard my phone alert for a text message.  I figured it was my oldest daughter, because she usually text my about that time every morning to say "hi".  I reached for my glasses, and the phone, put my glasses on and opened the phone to see the text.  It wasn't from her, it was from my baby.  He let me know he was thinking about me.  A calm peace swept over my whole body as I realized that he was thinking of me and wanted me to know.  Some of the fears I have been having in the last few days, melted away.  I hope when I hear from him later that I will find even more comfort in our conversation.

Now What?

What an emotional roller coaster, I've gotten myself into.  Today, is a sad day for me and I don't know how to handle the unknown.  Yesterday and evening, he kept calling saying he was coming out to spend the night.  Around 7:30pm he called to say that he would be another hour to hour and a half there at the shop, then he would be on his way.  I asked him if he still planned on coming out that late and he said yes.  So, I laid back down on the couch and watched TV.  Listening to every vehicle sound that neared my home for the possibility of it being him.  The 10pm local news came om and my excitement of seeing him was eating me alive, for I knw that any moment he would pull in my driveway.
At 10:30pm when the news was over, I went into the kitchen an put up the food I had cooked for him.  I then came back in to the living room and watched ET on TV.  By this time I was worried and wondering what or where he could be?  Still nothing.  So, I went sadly to bed, full of rejection, hurt and worry of the unknown.  
After what seemed a lifetime, I drifted off to sleep.  Around 1:40am, I woke to the noise of a passing loud car.  Realizing it was the middle of the night, and he still hadn't contacted me, I sent him a text on his cell phone.  NO answer.  Getting more hurt and pissed, I called his number, it went to voice mail.  Once again I called getting the same response.  So, I stopped and somehow went back to sleep.
This morning I sent him a text and then tried to call his phone again?  Still no answer!  This is killing me, not knowing what's going on.  I'm hurting like hell inside too............information of some sort would help.

Everytime

It seems as though just about the time I get into a relationship, it develops hardships.  Why does this alway happen?  I realize the circumstances of our relationship.  Yet, I sit here feeling 'letdown" and sad about the way things are going.  It's as if, I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back.  It's just not fair, especially when I only want this to really work for both of us.  Matters of the heart sure can hurt.  I know, cause it's happening right now.