No Matter

It seems that no matter how hard I try to get out there and be present for a certain encounter, it just never happens.  Should I meet someone, they are usually not the type of person I would want to have in my life.  Therefore, I become even lonelier as each day passes.  It's hard to accept this lonely life, and try as I may to meet someone, it's just not happening.  They say if you give up and stop looking then you will find it, when your not looking.  I wish I could wait on that to happen, but at my age it's hard to give up a day or to as a loss.

Change?

I remember how I was so ready for a change, and that my world had become stagnant and boring. I kept telling people, that something had to change, that I was in a rut. I definitely was in a rut!
Get up, get ready, go to work, get off work, drive to the local club, have a few brews, leave and get something on the way home to eat or wait till I got home and throw something together. Then watch enough TV to get sleepy and go to bed.........that was it. Nothing great or wonderful to enjoy or do!
Well, change does happen and it did........at first it was the most wonderful change I could have ever hoped for..........well, it was good while it lasted, but it didn't last long enough for me.........and the change once again reared it's ugly head......this time for the worse......and once again........I'm in a rut.........alone.......and bored........

Care?

The same questions keeps popping up into my mind.  Does anyone care that I'm here alone, and wanting to be with a partner?  Someone to love, someone to care..........Man, it's just not fair!  I hate this loneliness!  I need to find a reason to live.........!  A reason, to laugh.........do things........wake up in the morning!

Lonely?

People, who are on the outside looking in, don't see the real pain that lonely people deal with daily.  I sit around others who have someone in their lives.  It's amazing how, they can judge me, when they are living with someone who keeps them from being lonely?  I see people who can't even appreciate the relationship they have.  I don't have one, and that sucks!  Now, that I am older, it's even harder to find someone who wants to be with me.  I feel like a "left hand" on a right arm.  Going out to public places becomes just as much pain as staying at home alone.  Even then you are alone, because no one is interested in you or cares about the things you say.

Why?

I find myself, going out to places in hopes of running into someone who I can possibly have a relationship with.  Is this stupid, when I am really letting myself in for a letdown?  Hope is something I've always had, and yet it seems to be slowly ebbing away, with the insult of time.  I hate this needy loneliness.  It's such a horrible thing to have all this unused time on my hands. 

Depression

People, who think Depression is a choice, take a second to think. How would it feel to wake up and not having the emotional strength to face people? To think that time is just passing by with no real reason? To feel so alone even when you are sitting in a room full of people? To have to put on a face and hide your feelings because in your mind you think no one would care anyway? To lose friends be......cause you can’t find the strength to go out and you can’t physically be ‘happy’? To cry yourself to sleep, hoping you wouldn’t wake up then when you do you are exhausted from the night before, and it all starts again? You try to hide your feelings hoping no one would notice. Now tell me why someone would choose that? Depression is an illness, not a choice.

Still Alone

2011

As it came and went so did things around me, without a hitch.  It was an evening of staying home, alone and passing the time on the computer and watching the evening news.  After that I tried to watch the "Big D NYE", but became sleepy.  So, I went to bed and listened to the distance fireworks as I drifted off into a lonely sleep. 

As I look back on 2011, I realize that many things which happened didn't need to.  I also realize that things happen for a reason.  Still I can't accept some of them as being helpful, when actually they are very expensive.  Yes, some of the events got my attention, but they were the one's that were the most expensive. 

Now, comes another year to play, learn and hopefully enjoy what life has in store for me.  I hope that some of the loneliness I've experienced in the last few years, will be replaced with great joy, happiness and the big one "love"!

Wasted Time